I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
