Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
