If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
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I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
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I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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