Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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