Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
