You really coming over, don't trick.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
accomplished twins. life is a go
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
