the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
