with your own penis?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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