I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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