i already hear my dad disowning me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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