I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize