$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
