did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
