You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
