Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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