Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
