in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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