It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
