I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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