Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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