the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
