I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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