just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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