You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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