Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
