I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
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I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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