I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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