Soap is not a condiment
one two three fourrrrnication!
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
