Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
