is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
