He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
