Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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