I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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