i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
