i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
