where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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