He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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