I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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