Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
