did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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