You can't special order awesome
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
