as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
