Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
