i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
