Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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