Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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