Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
