update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Randomize
