i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
