Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
