I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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