I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
