Only a mothe r could love this liver
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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