Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
