I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
