we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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