I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
