and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
